Metabolism
Slowdown
Wine
appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.
You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.
When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just
can't put it down like I used to."
Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.
You decide your parents weren't as dumb as you thought!
How
to Write a College Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you
understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to
help you concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with
your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the
paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy
a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows
you her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those
irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable
chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly
sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain
you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp
since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and
get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it,
seriously, as soon as it's over you are going to start that
paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's
started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your
teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across
your tongue; savor their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper
due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece
Theater to "Sgt. Preston of the Yukon" is truly
worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
21. Catch the last hour of "Soul Brother of Kung Fu"
on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was
watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home.
Ask whoeveryone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans
for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck
of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch
the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because
you had to write that darn paper.
College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody
caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are
there any questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
10
Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd
10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals,
police, and authority figures.
9. Is overly enthusiastic about 'Dungeons and Dragons' and
other role playing games.
8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote
scripture.
7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten
up.
6. Says 'Whom' instead of 'Who.'
5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the
office, so that they can continue with their learning.
4. Prefers NPR to any music.
3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not
know about.
2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.
1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college
of his choice.
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